Answering a Question

Someone asked me a question about my post partum depression. 

"Did you ever want to harm DD?"

The answer to that question is no.  We have all seen on the news moms who killed their baby (or babies) because of depression.  Luckily, I never had those thoughts.

However, I did have visions or thoughts of something happening to her.  For example, I'd put socks on her hands to keep them warm and so she couldn't poke her eye out.  But then I'd take them off because I was scared that the sock would fall off and I'd go get her and she'd be dead because the sock was preventing her from breathing.  But I wouldn't just think it, I'd actually see her dead body in my head.

Other times I would have visions of dropping her, or running her head into the door when I was taking her out of the bathroom.  I'd also think I'd break her neck if I lifted her legs too high when changing her diaper.

Now I wouldn't want to DO any of these things, but I would just get major anxiety about these things happening.  I had a hard time sleeping because I always had nightmares of bad things and it would be so clear in my head it was like it was real. 

I would also cry thinking about bad things happening to her.  When the anxiety/depression got really bad, I began to think of bad things happening to my husband.

Like most moms, I still check on her to make sure she is breathing, but I don't have those terrible visions anymore. 

If you ever have thoughts like this, it isn't normal and you should talk to your doctor about it.  Every mom worries about something awful happening, but when it's all you can think of, that's a problem!


  1. I used to have very vivid thoughts of Jack getting hurt. I would have thoughts that I would drop him and his head would crack open on our ceramic tile. These thoughts scared me because I never would hurt him. The thought of him getting hurt would make my physically ill. I am so glad you are writing about these things because I am too chicken to.

  2. Thanks Rachel! People don't really talk about it too much and I think it's important to get out there! Those thoughts scared the heck out of me. I still get them once in a blue moon. What's crazy is just how vivid it is! It isn't like, "What if she stops breathing". I could actually picture her lying in her PNP blue and cold and could see myself freaking out.