Guilt

Just reaching out to my other PPD mommas... anyone at this point feel guilty for not being the best you could be early on?  Sometimes I feel like I missed out on so much those first few weeks.... but sometimes I feel like there is NO way she will remember me being sad and wishing things were different.

Regardless though, she is VERY much loved now... that's what counts, right?

PPD update

I've been off the meds for a long time and I am so much better now.  I am home with DD this summer and it's going great.  Yes, there are days where she is a beast and I need a couple minutes to myself, but I think that's normal.

I now keep my eyes and ears open when speaking to someone who is pregnant or just had a baby.  That way I can warn them if I think they are struggling with it themselves.

Get help new mommies if you need it!!!

The Perfect Candidate for PPD

I was recently looking for other blogs about PPD and came across this article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38125735/ns/health-womens_health/

It turns out that a recent study has shown that perfectionists are at a higher risk for PPD.  The scary thing is they are "perfect" at hiding the fact that they aren't feeling so well. 

What I wish I would have been told is the following (quoted from the article):

"I think it's just important for new mothers and fathers to just realize, Hey, you haven't got a lot of experience with this, you don't need to be perfect, you don't need to be absolutely the best parent in the world," Flett said. "You need to just be able to experience the role, do your best, and your best is good enough."

The fact is, growing up I was with kids a lot.  I babysat all the time and always watched out for the kids on my bus.  I lived with my niece for two years and spent a lot of time with her.  I worked in a daycare in high school, and taught preschool, kindergarten, and 3rd grade.  So when I was having feelings of failure, I didn't want to admit it.  I didn't want people to know that I couldn't handle being a mom.  When I finally told my mom I couldn't do it she said, "What do you mean you aren't cut out to be a mom?  You've been around kids your whole life."

Being a mother is NOTHING like being a babysitter or teacher.  NOTHING.  That is something moms aren't honest about or just don't tell expecting parents. 

The saddest part from the article:

"This tendency to put on this front usually means that people don't tell other people when they're doing badly, so somebody might not know that a young women is having difficulty; they might have no clue whatsoever," Flett said. "And there's sadly some cases where the family says 'We thought everything was fine,' and the next thing we know, the person is no longer with us," he said.

Please new moms, don't let your family be the ones saying this!

Answering a Question

Someone asked me a question about my post partum depression. 

"Did you ever want to harm DD?"

The answer to that question is no.  We have all seen on the news moms who killed their baby (or babies) because of depression.  Luckily, I never had those thoughts.

However, I did have visions or thoughts of something happening to her.  For example, I'd put socks on her hands to keep them warm and so she couldn't poke her eye out.  But then I'd take them off because I was scared that the sock would fall off and I'd go get her and she'd be dead because the sock was preventing her from breathing.  But I wouldn't just think it, I'd actually see her dead body in my head.

Other times I would have visions of dropping her, or running her head into the door when I was taking her out of the bathroom.  I'd also think I'd break her neck if I lifted her legs too high when changing her diaper.

Now I wouldn't want to DO any of these things, but I would just get major anxiety about these things happening.  I had a hard time sleeping because I always had nightmares of bad things and it would be so clear in my head it was like it was real. 

I would also cry thinking about bad things happening to her.  When the anxiety/depression got really bad, I began to think of bad things happening to my husband.

Like most moms, I still check on her to make sure she is breathing, but I don't have those terrible visions anymore. 

If you ever have thoughts like this, it isn't normal and you should talk to your doctor about it.  Every mom worries about something awful happening, but when it's all you can think of, that's a problem!

A Thing about Depression Meds

If you do need to go on medication, please make sure you TAKE it.  The funny thing about meds is they only work if you TAKE them!  Go figure!

My doctor warned me.  She said, "Take them for a full six months. Do not stop taking them because you feel better".  Did I listen?  Of course not!  Why listen?

Anyway, I haven't been taking my depression meds (or my thyroid meds for that matter).  I feel too busy.  Too busy to take two seconds to take my meds (look at all those homophones!).

But I vow in the new year to be better about this and start taking them again.

The thing is, you will feel so much better taking them.  Better than you ever felt.  You'll wonder why you weren't taking them before. 

Today I realized that I need to keep taking them.  You see, I've been home on Christmas break.  I'm tired.  I'm sick.  I'm crabby.  I haven't left the house in days and I'm bored.  But I'm sick so I can't really leave. 

DD is feeling icky too.  She either has a cold like I do, or she's teething (or both with my luck).  So she has been super crabby.  And I mean SUPER CRABBY.  So crabby that it caused a fight with my husband and myself.

But earlier today I found myself yelling at her for being such a pain.  Yes, yelling at a four month old.  Like she REALLY understands what I'm saying or why I'm mad (or that I'm mad).  I was so upset with myself for getting upset with her, that I had to put her down and walk away.

My good friend must have heard my prayers because she called then and I felt better telling her how awful DD was being (she's a mom too). 

I know I need to start taking my pills again and being better about taking them.  I feel myself slipping back down that dark road again and that isn't good!

Do Not Be Afraid

I haven't told anyone that I have post partum depression except a few close friends, my mother (who also suffered with PPD with her fourth child), and my husband.

Why did I not speak up?  Because I was embarassed. 

Having PPD will make you feel like less of a mother.  And admitting you have it is hard.  The fact is, there isn't much understanding of it and there is a lot of people who will judge you for it.

But I believe it is important to speak up.  Too many times moms keep it to themselves, don't seek help, and end up harming themselves or their babies.  Take a look at the news.  You don't have to search far to hear about PPD and what can happen if it is left untreated.

That is why I decided to start this blog.  One, to help me with my feelings and two, to help future moms feel comfortable coming out with their depression or anxiety (or both!).

So new moms, do not be afraid!  Those who judge you do not deserve you (or your baby).

Zoloft and some advice

The hardest part of being a new mom is being responsible for yourself, your home, and your new baby.  Babies cannot do anything on their own.  And they don't sleep as much as the books say.  At least DD didn't. 

People weren't making it any better.  They were making me feel like I didn't know how to take care of my own child.  I have plenty of experience with kids.  I'm a teacher!  I lived with my niece for two years!  I baby sat forever!  But having your OWN child is NOTHING like caring for other children.  Don't let it fool you like it did me.

Around the time I started Zoloft for postpartum depression, DD started meds for acid reflux and I started to give up on breastfeeding.  I was only pumping a couple ounces a time, and we couldn't get DD to latch.  I decided that formula isn't as awful as everyone says.  My baby was being fed, was happy (finally), and was gaining weight and growing. 

One piece of advice I will offer to new moms is don't freak out if you can't breastfeed.  And don't tell yourself when you are pregnant that you won't freak.  Because you will.  I told myself it would be fine if it didn't work, but when it wasn't working my depression set in.  That is when I started to feel like a big failure. 

Just remember, mom being happy is important.  If YOU aren't happy then you can't be the best mom you can be.  Forget those who preach the goodness of breastmilk.  Yes, it's good and great, but there are plenty of happy successful people in this world (and smart) who were fed formula.  I don't want to toot my own horn, but I am one of them.  And so are my brothers. 

So if you can't breastfeed mom, don't worry.  Your baby will be fine (I promise).  And to those of you who look down on formula feeders for being "lazy"... Shame on you.  Moms should have a pact and be there as a support system regardless.  Shame on you and I pray that you never have any issues feeding your child. 

And moms to be, please promise yourself that you will NEVER judge the decisions other mothers make (unless they are beating their children or something awful like that).

P.S. Did you know that formula is the most regulated "foods" there is?  And those of you who hate formula but eat meat, maybe you need to do some research on what you are putting into your body.  Just saying...

And the PRESSURE Begins!!!

One thing you are never prepared for is the amount of pressure placed on new mothers.  After having DD I remember telling a good friend (who was expecting in October) that I will never be one of those moms who gives unwanted advice or makes a mother feel less of a mother.

Right away there was pressure to be supermom.  To breastfeed, to have a baby on a schedule, to be a great wife, to keep the house clean, etc. 

DD wasn't an easy newborn (not that newborns are easy).  But as I sat in my bed with her, struggling to feed her, an odd feeling started to creep up on me.

I began to think of ending my life.  As I type this, I can't believe I felt that way.  I looked at this angry and demanding baby and thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life.  I thought it would be so much easier to not be here anymore and that DD would be better off with a new mom.

I also started to think I wasn't cut out for motherhood.  That DD should be given up for adoption.  I, a normally patient person, couldn't handle it. 

I didn't say anything to anyone.  I let my feelings of failure (due to breastfeeding) and death take over me.  I was angry and sad.  I missed my old life.  I hated my new life, hated my baby, and hated myself for feeling that way.

At my two week appointment to check on my incision I said something to my concerned doctor who said to keep an eye on it for a couple more weeeks.

Like clockwork she called me about a week later.  When I told her I wasn't bonding with the baby and was still angry she suggested medication.